So far there has not really been time to grieve. I keep wondering when it will hit me, when I will really start to feel Grandma's absence. I know she is gone, but there has been so much going on in our home and with the kids that I really have not had time to stop and think.
I have also come to realize that I did a lot of my grieving before Grandma was gone. We knew one way or another we would have to leave this summer. It has been a rough year for each of our kids in individual ways. It is time for us to make them main priority again and establish a solid family routine. That has been hard as Grandma's health began to fail.
Because we knew we were leaving I shed a lot of tears. We told Grandma when she asked us to move in with her that we would be with her to the end. I was absolutely torn up by the idea that we were going to have to break that promise. We had a meeting with Dad, Uncle Jay, Mom, the social worker and the chaplain from Hospice. They were very and understanding of the fact that we needed to move on. I'm glad it was okay with everyone, because it sure wasn't okay with me. I knew deep in my heart it was necessary for my family, but I also knew that we would be letting Grandma down and that she would be sad/angry with us. We determined that no one would tell her until our departure became imminent, so at least she never knew in this life.
Dementia is an interesting trial. I know there are some great studies out there that are showing promise. I hope within the next few years we see new treatments. It was so hard to watch Grandma know that she was unable to remember things. For a legal secretary and woman who had a quick wit and sharp mind her entire life it was almost terrifying. She kept telling me the only way she was not anxious was when I was beside her. That was an honor to hear, but also a lot of pressure. My kids and husband put up with a lot of time on their own over the last few months while I literally sat by Grandma in the living room. That was all she wanted. We would have brief conversations, I would fetch food or water, and then we would sit. I was grateful for a baby to cuddle and nurse, as well as a kindle to surf the web or read a book on. I even had a few moments when the baby was asleep to crochet (something I have not had time for the last few years.)
I have never seen someone fight the dementia as hard as Grandma did. She was able to pull the wool over on many people for more than a year as it progressed. Her Victorian manners, wit, and humor served well in that process. Only those who were most tuned in to her needs really noticed the lapses. In the darkest moments we often saw her looking sad or woeful. Then, miraculously, she would rally and become her old self, sometimes for several days. I know some of the rallying was the disease process, but I could also see the fight left in Grandma.
Just a few weeks before she passed she told her nurse that she was in the midst of great company and had no intention of leaving anytime soon. In fact, she said she expected that the girls across the street would be out of school and married before she would move on. (They are ages 12 &10.) We all laughed, but she was serious. This was one of the moments that tore out my heart. I was afraid she would somehow muscle through.
In the end, her body won the fight. All of her systems shut down, and she slipped as peacefully as we could expect on to her next adventure. I feel so blessed that she didn't know until she was whole again that we needed to leave. I know that in the frailty of dementia she may have said something she would have regretted later. What a blessing that we parted on good terms, still giving her the love and care she needed from us.
I always knew I would help care for Grandma, I had no idea it would be in this capacity. I am so grateful that I have an amazing husband and kids that walked at my side during this time. They have made sacrifices most people will never know or understand; they did it all willingly and lovingly. I could not ask for a better family.
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